I know I haven’t written in a while. I have been going through a lot of emotions. I’ve been tempted to post question on fetlife, but have been afraid of the answers I would get. I’ve been afraid that maybe I wasn’t a submissive at all anymore or that I had to have it all on my terms. I was told once that I topped from the bottom and that criticism has stuck with me.
Or maybe I just used it to reenforce my fear of rejection – my fear that if I tell anyone what I needed that I would just become too much trouble. I always struggle with that – feeling like I’m too much trouble, that I require too much attention. That’s why I try to do so much, try to be irreplaceable.
I am working on feeling like I deserve to have my needs met. To me, that feels very unsubmissive, no matter how many times I tell myself that if my needs aren’t met than I can’t meet Sir’s. It’s just gotten to the point that my needs need to be met or else. I don’t know what else is, but its something I can’t ignore anymore. I wish I hadn’t waited this long. Now it’s such a big thing, like an avalanche when it started as a small bit of snow.
Progress is being made though. I figured out that I really needed (to be dominated) I felt like this was such a breakthrough for me, but it’s kind of a duh thing. I’m submissive so of course I would need to be dominated. I guess we had just gotten away from that. We had the everyday D/s, but had loss the spontaneous stuff, like Sir biting my ear, pulling my hair, having me crawl around, holding me so I can’t get away, etc.
Last Sunday I was sad and Sir held me and just let me cry. That was a big turning point for me. I felt like he heard me. He didn’t try to fix anything, he didn’t try to pull away. I’ve wanted that for so long but haven’t known how to ask for it. Having him hold me like that was the most dominant/caring thing I think he’s ever done for me.
Ever since then I’ve felt very good. There are still things that I am working on, like not getting caught up in his work world and trusting that he can handle it and making the house as stress free as possible for him. I haven’t been working as much which I feel a little guilty about, but I am going to take advantage of the time and get the house in shape.