A jumble of thoughts and a feeling of hope

I joined fetlife (I_am_a_Bean) and have been very happy there. I feel like I’ve found a community. Something that I thought Alt would be, but isn’t to me.

I’ve been posting and blogging and talking to people and here’s the sum of the past 12 days:

An Email:

I’m in a triad relationship where I serve a Domina and a Sir. We are open to being with other people, but Sir out of the blue came out and asked me if he could date this women he met on eharmony. He didn’t tell her that he was already involved with other people and he didn’t tell us that he was looking. At first I said it was ok. I wanted to please him and I wanted to be ‘truly poly’. But the more I thought about him lying to this woman and about how he had kept things hidden from myself and my Domina, the more upset I became. It got to the point were I couldn’t stop crying. I wondered why I wasn’t good enough to date and the idea of him going off pretending to be just a single vanilla male made me feel like he thought everything we have is worthless.

He ended things with that women and I hope he is no longer looking on eharmony. We have started to be more active in finding play partners so there is variety, but never a situation where I am not included.

I have tried to talk to him, Domina and I have tried to talk to him and maybe he does, but I don’t think he realizes how the whole thing affected me. He feels bad for hurting me, but I don’t think he understands why it hurt and continues to hurt me. I think he believes that him ending it should make everything ok. I have always had trust issues with him. If Domina were to do the same things as him it wouldn’t take me such a long time for me to get over. It’s not like he’s done many untrustworthy things. He just tends to spring things on us. If he would have said from the beginning up front that he needed to date on his own, I might have been ok with him not telling the women that he dates that I exist. I know that is not ethical, but I place him and Domina above all others.

So I sit here trying to keep the bad thoughts away. I’ve been reassured that I’m loved and wanted and special, but I feel so insecure. I want that security back if indeed I ever really had it. Words don’t seem to help. I asked Sir for a ring for Christmas with the hopes that something physical from him would make me feel better, but found out last night that Domina had him go in with her and get me one present. I broke down in front of her. Oh, how horrible. I felt so embarrassed, so ashamed. I told her what I had asked him for. She is very concerned that I am still this upset and feel the way I do. I just don’t know how to trust him again. I love him so much and life without him is unthinkable. I’ve never hurt like this. I feel stupid for feeling like this.

Another email:

Sir came home early and saw all the tissues and asked if I had been crying. I told him yes and he wanted to know why. I told him I was writing. He assumed it was about him and he said he was sorry. I don’t think he had said it before or if he did I don’t remember. I feel like he finally saw how much I’ve been affected. He spent the rest of the day being very attentive and allowing me pleasure, touching me even after we’ve both came. But I think the biggest thing was ordering me to watch tv. We watch what he wants, but I am able to request. Shrek the Halls was on last night and I just wanted to see if it was indeed Shrek. Sir doesn’t like cartoons so when he asked if I wanted to watch it I told him no, which was true. It was partially over and I knew he wouldn’t like it and I’d rather watch what he wants and be close to him than have him leave me alone with the tv. But he told me he wanted me to watch it. He did leave, but I really enjoyed it even if I did miss the beginning. I felt great to be told to do something I enjoy beyond the sexual. He was thinking entirely of me. Before bed I just kept looking into his eyes. He kept asking me what was wrong. I told him nothing over and over. Finally Domina had to tell him that I was fine. I think I’ve turned the corner. It’s been 12 days since this whole thing started or since I found out about it.

Another email:

In a nutshell, Sir wanted to date outside our relationship without telling the women that he was already in a relationship. I tried to say it was ok, believe it was ok, but my feeling of security plummeted. I think I had the closest thing to a mental breakdown. I feel like I just made the turning point yesterday. Hopefully, things can get back to normal.

Things I have learned from this:

I need to explain the reasoning behind my answers – Tell my dominants that I want to or don’t want to do something based on this, this, and this because I always think of them first, even if it’s what I want to eat. Yes it was wonderful to watch Shrek the Halls, but I should have said the reasons why I didn’t want to watch it. Otherwise it looks like my no’s mean yes and my yes’s mean no.

I need to take time before I say yes or no to big decisions. It takes time for me to gauge how I feel and I know this, but I need to realize that it is ok to ask to have some time to think.

I am cherished by both Domina and Sir. I guess I already knew this, but I’m starting to feel it again.

That I do have limits and that they need to be discussed. I think this event has changed some of my wants and I’d like to address those as well.

While Domina and I have a contract, Sir and I do not. I think the two of us need to make a contract or have one contract as a family.

There is no one way to be truly poly. I wanted to be open to everything, but I am not. And that makes me sad. I’m having to look at myself differently.

That I do have abandonment issues and while they aren’t focused around my father they are about other men in my life, mostly teachers who couldn’t give me what I needed. Sir is the first man I have ever been with. I dated two highschool boys many years ago, one was a year younger, one was two. One was gay, trying to be straight, the other was a lonely soul like me. The don’t compare to Sir. I feel safe and secure with him. He is so close to my fantasy…. And that leads to another thought.

I can’t compare Sir to my fantasy and be unhappy when he doesn’t live up to it. I don’t think I do this consciously, but I want to make sure I don’t do it. Sure, I’d like to think of all those years of me imagining myself on my knees having my head pushed farther down on this imaginary cock that it was him, that I was somehow imaging him. I know that wasn’t the case.

Yesterday, Sir wrapped his hand in my hair and in my shirt and I moaned and breathed so hard he had to ask me if I was ok. I am so incredibly turned on by his power and the thought that he was actually going to let me touch him was just too much. See we were in bed watching tv, but for the past week, before we went to sleep he’d been pinching my nipples, pulling my hair, and breathing into my ear. He’d do this to the point to where my hips would start to move than he’s whisper ‘goodnight pet’ into my ear and role over. Oh, how deliciously maddening. It was so nice yesterday to have some release, to be ordered to suck his cock, swallow his come, and be pinched and bit while I was allowed to come. I think the best part was after when he wrapped himself around me and played with my body while he told me to keep my eyes open and to keep watching tv. I felt so good.

All in all I think I’m going to be ok, we’re going to be ok.

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