I was so excited for thanksgiving. It would be the first time I got to see all my female cousins in a long long time. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t need to hear one of them telling her 5th grade brother that he needs to be on a diet. Or hear the same cousin complain about men staring at her and her new breasts. I felt trapped in skinny blond world. I live in a completely different world. A world where I’m not concerned with how the outside sees me and am happy with being large. Everything that they were concerned with seemed so frivolous. Maybe I’m just jealous. I couldn’t pull straight A’s in college, let alone do it and party, too. Maybe it’s that I see they’re lives as so much easier, which they might be, but they are so shallow. I spent the whole time picturing the vanilla sex that they have or will have and how lucky I am to be collared. I have very little uncertainty. For the most part I know what is expected of me in my life. I have a job that I like, where I feel like I make a difference. I have two people who love and support me and are proud of me. I have my needs met. I feel unique and special. And maybe I am jealous that my cousins are seen by my family as the successful ones, but I think I have the better life.